My son, my son!
What if my child is a drug addict?
A Life Sentence was possible.
As I stood in the courtroom that day, surrounded by family and close friends, I knew that the journey we had been on for the last ten years had come to its end. We were waiting to find out what that end would be. It was now time for our son David to be sentenced on three drug-related felony convictions. We had been warned by his attorney that a life sentence was possible.
It’s hard to say where it had all begun. The first eleven years of his life were spent with an alcoholic father in the home. I had taken him to church and tried to teach him right and wrong, but as we now know, it is the patriarch in the home that so frequently determines the path of the children – and David was no exception. When the inevitable breakup of David’s father and I occurred, David eventually left his home with me and went to live with his father. Somewhere along the way, David had started drinking. As soon as he turned 18, he entered into a marriage that was doomed to failure. A “friend” got him to try meth, and with the very first high, David was addicted.
No parent wants to believe their child is hopelessly hooked on drugs!
The years that followed were horrible for all of us in many ways. For the first few years, Tony and I had no idea of the severity of his addiction. At the time, David worked for us in our business. We would start to see things that were not right. We found out that he would clock in, then leave and come back later to clock out without having done any work. We started missing money. He would even steal things from our house to sell to get money for drugs. But still, no parent wants to believe that their child is hopelessly hooked on drugs, right?? He would get arrested and we would go bail him out. When he and his wife separated, we hired an attorney to fight for custody of their 2 children. He didn’t even show up for court. You would think that we would have realized that we were putting more effort into improving his life than he was. But no, we all typically see only what we want to see, and that is what we did. Another arrest. This time he was allowed to go to rehab in lieu of staying in jail. And of course we happily paid all the expenses, fully convinced that this nightmare of drug addiction was finally ending. After completing six months of a one year program, he decided that he did not need to complete the program – after all his wife now wanted him to come back home so they could work things out. But that reconciliation was short lived and soon David was on the streets again.
Arrested again
There would be more probation violations, more arrests, and more rehabs, but meth was still fully in control of his life. There were periods of time when David would disappear. We would not hear from him for months and had no idea whether he was dead or alive. I learned to live with the very real, ever present fact that the next time I heard from him would likely be either a phone call from jail, or from the coroner. Tony and I finally started educating ourselves on our part in all of this. Giving him a place to stay, paying his expenses, bailing him out of jail – these things were only allowing him to continue his pattern of destructive behavior. Finally, in the winter of 2010, the dreaded phone call came. Thankfully, it was from the jail and not the coroner. He had been arrested again for manufacturing meth. Of course, he wanted us to come and get him out. Since Tony and I had finally realized and accepted that as long as David was an addict, he had no control over his actions, we knew the only option was to leave him there where he could not destroy himself. Let me say to those of you who have family members who are addicted: You should never take their behavior personally, but you should protect yourself. They will lie to you, steal from you, and do whatever else they have to do to be able to get their next fix. Narcotic addiction is an all-consuming god that will allow nothing to interfere with it. While under its influence, the addict has no choice but to do whatever the addiction requires – no matter who it hurts.
I cannot put into words the pain in my mother's heart.
Having a child in jail is never easy on a mother’s heart. We think about the horrible state of being locked up in a cage, given no rights or privileges, and being completely at the mercy of the people around you. We imagine how horrible it must be. But do we consider how horrible the cage of addiction is? Being constantly driven by the need to get more drugs. Never being able to pursue, or even have, a dream. Never being able to have successful relationships. Many times having no place to call home and finding food wherever you can, even in dumpsters. No, we don’t think about the horrors of drug addiction being every bit as bad as prison. Having your mind imprisoned may very well be worse than having your body in one.
So this time we left him in jail. I would go for visits and talk to him on the phone, looking at him through the glass between us. The conversations were usually the same – he would beg me to get him out. I cannot put into words the pain in my mother’s heart having to hear him cry wanting to come home while knowing that simply could not happen. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months. While I’m not going to tell his story, I will say that being able to get totally out of the grip of meth was good for him. Having his mind clear enabled him to hear God speak again. His heart was changed sitting in that jail cell! Hallelujah!!
I never got used to going to court and seeing my child with his hands and feet in shackles. Even writing this today, so many years later, the memory still brings pain to my heart and tears to my eyes. After four and a half months, he was again given the opportunity to leave jail and go to rehab. We were blessed with a judge who could see the value in salvaging a broken life. His sentencing was postponed pending the outcome of rehab. But this time, rehab was different because David was different. After completing the full year program in the rehab center, we were now back in court for the final sentencing on all 3 felony convictions. Only God knew what would happen now. I was braced – as much as a mother can be – for whatever came next. We at least had reason for hope. David had done very well at rehab and one of the counselors from there came to court with us. Our pastor and other close family and friends were with us to show support for the change they had seen in David. Others who could not be there had written letters. And of course there had been a lot of prayer – a lot of prayer.
Thankfully, our story has a happy ending. He was not given a life sentence, but instead was given several years of probation which he completed with no violations. So for any of you who may be stuck in trying to make life easier for someone you love who is an addict, let me say the only way to help them is by not helping them to stay in their addiction. Sometimes that can mean not giving them any more money, not giving them a place to stay, and yes, sometimes it may even mean leaving them in jail. Our story could have had a much worse ending. What if we had gotten him out of jail like we always had, allowing him to return to the addiction? Would we have ever seen him again? Only God knows the answer to that question, but personally, I don’t think so.
This time rehab was different.
because david was different.
Don’t ever think that you can force another person to stay clean. You absolutely cannot unless you have them locked up and are in full control of their environment. To hold on to your own peace, you must take your hands off and give them to God. Yes, it is hard, but it really is the only path that offers hope for you – or for them. Yes, our story has a very happy ending. David completely surrendered his life to the lordship of Jesus Christ. He went back to school and graduated with honors. He now has his own business and is married to a beautiful, godly woman. But I know this is not always the case. If you are in a situation like ours, I would strongly advise you to talk to the experts. Call the rehab centers and talk to counselors, research the facts online, see a psychologist or whatever you can do to educate yourself. And always pray without ceasing!!
Let me give you some facts to dwell on that helped me hold on through the rough times:
- God loves your addict more than you ever could.
- God is fully in control of every circumstance that your addict faces.
- Not only is God fully in control of your addict’s circumstances, but He can actually change them – you cannot.
GUARD RAIL: Trust God to handle what you cannot.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21. (ESV)