My life is upside down!
How do I navigate this?
My life was upside down!
In my article, “How low can you go”, I shared with you how getting the facts of my abusive spouse out in the open brought a sense of relief. But just getting it out in the open did not change my situation. Jimmy still drank and he was still abusive. My life was completely upside down. Nevertheless, having the support of those around me gave me more incentive to get my own life straight. I began seeking God as I should have been sooner. And when we seek God, He has promised that we will find Him. In His faithfulness, God had already made provision for everything I would need to navigate the circumstances I was living in.
Once again, His “road map” came through. As I got closer to God, I realized that the covenant I had made to my husband was real even though I did not give it any serious consideration at the time I made it. So I began to pray diligently for the salvation of my husband, and committed myself to keeping my vow to God.
Sleeping in deserted woods.
In the meantime, I found ways to survive in the situation I was living in. Since Jimmy was only violent when he was drunk, I learned to avoid the most volatile situations. He was especially prone to getting me out of bed in the middle of the night just to yell at me, accuse me of having affairs, and possibly knock me around a bit. Eventually I realized that he would make blazing accusations against me to cover his own tracks. The thought line must have been that if he could keep attention focused on me, his activities would remain hidden.
I learned to leave home and hide out somewhere on the days when he stayed out drinking – which were frequent. I did not want to go to my parents’ house because I did not want to force them to deal with the unpleasantness of the situation, but it was imperative that I find a place where we, David and I, would not be found. Sometimes we would spend the night in the car. We lived out in the country, so it was easy to find a deserted spot in the woods to park. Sometimes, if David was not at home, I would hide my car and then just hide myself in the house. I knew if Jimmy ever found me, he would probably kill me. But by God’s grace, he never found me.
The slightest look could ignite an explosion.
I would leave David with my parents for days at the time because I knew the environment I was living in was no way to raise a child. When Jimmy was home all day, he would start drinking in the morning. If – and this was a big if – nothing happened to upset him, he would stay pretty even tempered all day. I quickly learned to keep my mouth closed no matter what was said or done. Those of you who have lived with people who have volcanic anger know exactly what I am talking about. The slightest look or word can ignite the explosion. It was never safe to express criticism or negative feelings of any kind. I had to do my best to act like everything was okay all the time.
Not a very happy way to live, but I used those years to build my relationship with Jesus. When Satan attacks our lives to destroy us, God reaches out and gives us grace to endure whatever circumstances come our way. Instead of getting us down, we can let those circumstances drive us to our knees – which is a wonderful and powerful place to be.
In his second letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul talks about the great revelations that had been given to him. He says that to keep him from becoming conceited he was given a physical infirmity to remind him of his limitations. He goes on to say, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Complete peace!
If we, like the Apostle Paul, can learn, to appreciate our weaknesses and trials, we can use them to increase our dependence on God’s grace. I stayed in that marriage for just over 12 years, and there were countless times when I had to trust God’s grace for my survival. As is usually the case, besides the physical abuse, there was mental abuse as well. He fired bullets into the wall a few inches above my head while I was nursing our son, he regularly told me how worthless I was, and repeatedly threatened my life at gun point.
When you are staring down the barrel of a cocked 44 pistol in the hand of a drunk, you need to know where your belief is and who you are trusting to get you through. I am so thankful that God taught me those things. He always took care of me and gave me a peace beyond understanding! While the years since then have brought vastly different trials, the answer is always the same: God’s grace is more than enough! He will always bring us through when we follow His plan!
Next time, I will share how that period of my life eventually came to an end. Until then, follow God’s map and enjoy your journey down The Blessing Road! See you out there! 🙂
GUARD RAIL: Always remember that God’s grace is, and always will be, enough to see you through any circumstance that you encounter.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9
2 thoughts on “My life is upside down! How do I navigate this?”
They overcame him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony.
You go Mom! 😇💪🏻
I couldn’t be more proud!
Love you!
Ps. I have some fond memories from some of those nights with you…… and 1 with a spider 🤣
Hallelujah and amen! And I am so proud of you and love you very much! I hate that you had to grow up in all that, but God has grown you into a mighty warrior for His kingdom. How exciting! I’m really thankful that you have some good memories! I do too! (But I could have done without the spider. Lol!)