How low can you go?
Am I trapped here forever?
How low can you go?
I well remember the day when my boss said to me, “Will you let me tell your dad what is going on?” That might seem like a strange question, but in my circumstances it made perfect sense. You see, I had made some pathetic choices as a teenager. Even though I had a mother and father who loved and cared for me, I chose the allure of the path of the world. I started drinking and smoking as a very young teenager. I was running around with older friends and hanging out in places where I had no business being. No, my parents had no idea – at least the first few years. (Although, I suspect they did later.) I was an honor student, captain of the “Color Guard”, a member of the concert band, and received many awards during my high school years. I was very active in my youth group at church and was church pianist. I appeared to have the perfect life for a teenager. That is what everyone else saw. But inside, I was a mess.
By the time I graduated from high school, my rebellion was in full bloom. I wanted no one telling me what to do – regardless of who they were. Because my parents did not approve of my lifestyle (they wouldn’t have loved me very much if they had), my main focus became finding a way to move out of their house. As soon as I graduated from high school, I met a man who seemed to want the same lifestyle I wanted, and we were married 3 months later. This marriage was attractive to me partly because I wanted away from the authority of my parents, and partly because this man, Jimmy, drank as much as I did. But I would quickly learn that he drank a lot more.
I chose the allure of the path of the world.
The first weekend after we were married, I was introduced to a world that had never existed in reality in the world I grew up in – only in the movies. After all, I grew up in a home with godly parents who loved each other. (I had no idea how blessed I had been!) In our world men never hit women. But I quickly discovered a totally different world – a world that was violent and cruel. Jimmy was a pretty big man, and I stood no chance against him. The blows came quickly, and I remember trying to crawl under the bed to escape – with no success.
A few months into the marriage, Jimmy and I were out at some bar and had a fight about something. I remember him swinging all the way across the table to hit me. There was no hiding that shiner! So now, I was going to work, in an office, with sunglasses on. We all know that sunglasses don’t really hide the black eyes; they just make it harder for someone to see how bad it is. But this was not the first time that I had come to work with bruises on my face.
I just wanted to crawl under a rock.
I worked for the same company that my daddy worked for, only on a different campus. He was pretty high up the chain, so everyone knew him. The people in the office I worked in were aware of what was going on in my life because they saw the bruises, but I had forbidden any of them to tell my dad. However, this day I had sunk to the bottom of my ability to hold on to any pride or self-esteem. I no longer felt that I had any worth as a human being. My humiliation was real and complete. I felt there was no way that I could possibly feel any worse about myself or the decisions I had made. My life was in full-blown shambles, all of my own making. The only thing I really wanted to do was crawl under a rock and stay there. So this time I answered yes.
That was the beginning of my journey out of the hole. He did tell Daddy. So now at least my problems were out in the open. Interestingly, when we keep things hidden, they have a way of overshadowing everything else in our lives and holding us in bondage. I quickly realized that to make any progress toward a better life, I could not continue looking back. When we are in the pit of despair, it’s easy to feel like we are not worth caring about, that life is not worth caring about, that our mess is too big to ever be fixed, that we have hurt too many people, that we don’t deserve to be happy, that there is no way for anything to get better… But thankfully, that is not God’s opinion.
At least now my problems were out in the open.
The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Philippians says, “But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b-14) Now the Apostle Paul had done some pretty awful things. He had participated in imprisoning and murdering many people – both men and women – just because they believed in Jesus. (Acts 8:1,3; 9:1-2) He was a pretty rotten human being. But God saw fit to intervene in Paul’s life and make him into an amazingly loving and useful person who was filled with great joy.
That’s exactly what God wants for each of us. He says in Isaiah, “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” (Isaiah 43:25) How amazing!!! What he did for Paul, he wants to do for us. History tells us that Paul was in prison when he wrote his letter to the Philippians, yet he says things like: “making my prayer with joy” (1:4), “and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice” (1:18b), “I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith” (1:25), “complete my joy by being of the same mind” (2:2), “rejoice in the Lord” (3:1). (Emphasis mine)
There is no doubt in my mind that Paul’s “forgetting what lies behind”, is part of the reason that he could be so full of joy. He was not beating himself up for all the horrible things he had done. Like him, we too must forget the things behind. We cannot pursue a life filled with joy and peace if we are busy looking back. Trying to move forward while looking backward is a sure-fire way to veer off the road. So, no matter what you have done, or how low you have been, or how hopeless you think your situation is, put the past behind you and focus on the future. Only then can you stay on “The Blessing Road”. 🙂
GUARD RAIL: Do not let past mistakes determine your future.
“But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 3:13b-14
4 thoughts on “How low can you go? Am I trapped here forever?”
Thank you so much for sharing this! I know God is going to use this to help others. And thank you for walking away! You are my hero. Love you more!
Elizabeth, thanks bunches for the kind words! Your love and support mean to me than words can say. And no way! I love you more!!
Pam, this is so good. I Know this will help so many people. I pray for God to bless you, your family & everyone who reads this. Love, Kenda
Kenda, thank you so much! I really appreciate the prayers! It is my desire to help people find encouragement and freedom in Jesus. He is so amazing!!!