The path from hell to heaven on earth
By David Plunkett
Part 2 of 4, Frozen in denial
(Read Part 1 here: The path from hell to Heaven on Earth)
Frozen in denial!
My need for pills and alcohol became stronger than my need for the woman I was married to. I didn’t think I could breathe without her, but I didn’t really have any desire to be around her either. I can’t say I picked all the fights, but I certainly picked my share. Soon as the fight started, I could run to the bar and binge all night.
We barely spoke to each other unless we were out at the bar together or drinking with friends. We walked out our hypocritical marriage like pros. NOW WAIT, me…..drunk, angry, hypocritical, and violent. Those were the very things I had hated about my dad, Jimmy! My son had now heard the same tones from my voice and was missing the same relationship I had longed for, but I couldn’t see it.
I tried counseling. They diagnosed me with depression and insomnia. I was on enough Effexor to wind up a mule and enough Ambien to put him flat on his back – exhausted all the time and barely keeping it together. I was now working for my Mom and her new husband and even they threatened to fire me on a daily basis because I couldn’t show up for work most of the time and couldn’t do my job when I was there. A friend of mine saw the struggle and offered me something new.
I caught my first charge.
Meth came into my life. I had found a cure for everything. I could work all day and all night. My parents loved the new me at work. And when I was at home, I just stayed outside working in the yard all night and snuck into bed right before she got up the next morning. It made accomplishing and avoiding possible all at the same time. I could run for days before I would finally crash, but the productivity made everyone look the other way. I had porn collections at home, at work, (which my Mom of course found), in my car, the back yard, wherever I could keep one. Alcohol kinda faded but meth and porn had full control. By this time, my soon to be ex-wife and I had split and gotten back together more times than I can count. We had lost our house and were moving from place to place. We had my daughter in 04 but nothing changed.
I skated by almost unnoticed, or at least unacknowledged, for nearly six years. Everyone knew I had a drinking problem, but no one in my life had any clue what meth was or how to see it. They knew something wasn’t right, but when had it ever been? It ALL hit the fan when I caught my first charge in 2006.
My children loved me.
Now I was divorced AND locked up! That’s a couple more checks on the victim list. I poured my heart out to my Mom from Jefferson Co. jail. She bonded me out and off to Teen Challenge I went. I was thriving there, but my ex wanted me to come home and help with the kids. I manipulated the system and got kicked out for nicotine because I knew my Mom would understand that. Well I wasn’t home for long when I found out my ex was cheating again. If you don’t know what co-dependency looks like, I can tell you. On my knees in her apartment, with my kids watching, I begged her to be careful with him and please come home to me in the morning. Out the door she walked. Rehab had been for her. So when she was done with me, I was done with it. Here I go again.
No matter how worthless of a father I really was, my children loved me.
She hated that fact. She would use them to hurt me and me to hurt them. I let the devil convince me that they would be better off without me. The last time I laid eyes on either of my children was October 17, 2007. I totally abandoned them! It was also the first time I put a needle in my arm. Up until now I had been better than THOSE people. Well not anymore! I didn’t care about ANYTHING and I quickly learned you could put more than one drug in there at a time. Suicide Junkie is what I call it…
I knew God had to be real.
The next 3 years were a total blur. I became one of the most horrible people you can imagine. I would manipulate, lie, or just flat rob you to maintain – stuff I had bragged about when I was in Teen Challenge knowing I had never done it. Funny how insecurity masquerades as pride, huh……. Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” If you don’t believe in the power of confession, I’m here to tell you, it’s real. And it works both ways.
I had also learned how to cook dope, and that came with even more new demons. I never gave much thought to angels and the spiritual warfare I had heard about. But when I found out for myself that the demons were real, I knew God had to be as well. Still, I wasn’t ready to quit running just yet. Guess my bottom needed to be a little deeper.
There was another charge in 08 and another failed attempt with a rehab. I was now on the run from multiple law enforcement agencies and a missing person to the few who still loved me. I barely escaped a raid that took place where I was staying. That got my attention! I knew I was no longer welcome at my parents. I mean after all, I had only stolen 2 vehicles, not to mention thousands of dollars from them and their company. The last 2 times they bailed me out seemed pointless and they were exhausted. I called my Granddaddy who came and got me a few days later.
I met the most beautiful blonde!
I tried to give Jesus a real shot. And at church one night, I met THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLONDE I had ever seen. She was in recovery as well so we bonded fairly quickly. I had almost 10 months clean and everything going my way, but I had one more lesson to learn. You wonder why they put you on a buddy system just to go to the bathroom? This is why.
I went to help a friend get into a rehab. But without any accountability to help me say no, I said give it here. Here I go again! I relapsed and just a few days later, I was on the run again.
I was too scared to buy or sell dope so I did whatever was necessary to make my own. It was November 2010 and it was COLD. I was bumming rides or walking and eating out of the Food Giant dumpster. Having long since lost the fear of death, I cursed God and begged Him to just let it end. But everything I had survived told me that I wasn’t the one who would get to decide when it ended.
(Continued in Part 3)
GUARD RAIL: There can be no freedom without accepting the current reality of your situation.
“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
John 8:32