No choices!
Time has run out!
No choices!
Occasionally, we arrive at places in our lives where for one reason or another, there is no choice in what happens next. In my last article, My Life is Upside Down, I shared a little bit about what it was like being married to an abusive alcoholic. The obvious question then seems to be, “Why did you stay”? Let me just say that these situations are never as cut and dry as they appear on the outside. There are no messages written in the heavens that say “Get out of that marriage.” Believe me, many of us wish that there were. However, for most of us, we just find ourselves at a place where time has run out and there are no longer any choices.
One reason we stay is that most of us maintain some kind of hope that our spouse will change. Every day brings with it the possibility that we will get up and the nightmare will be over – that we will have the marriage we always wanted. Even though for the majority of us that never happens, we continue to hope nonetheless.
Desire to please Him was a strong motivator!
In my case, I became keenly aware that God was very serious about our covenants. Even though I had behaved stupidly in making the covenant, it was not automatically annulled. Hence I was driven to do everything I could to follow through with what I had promised. Being obedient was more important than being happy. I learned to find happiness and satisfaction in life through Jesus. And He never disappoints! Consequently, my desire to please Him was a strong motivator for me to stay in the marriage.
Another strong motivator for my staying in the marriage was my children. It was a very somber thought to consider busting up their home and taking away their father. But ironically, it was my children that also brought me to the point of knowing that my time had run out. Eventually, I came to the place where I knew they were in danger. Being forced to choose between their safety and trying to hold my marriage together made the choice much clearer. I would never endanger my children.
I was not willing to endanger my children.
My awakening came one day when we had taken our camper to the lake to spend a few days. Jimmy was already drunk by mid-afternoon. I no longer recall what the argument was about, but he started throwing me around inside the camper. When I reminded him that I was pregnant with our second child, our daughter, he looked right at me and said, “You are not going to have that baby.” While he would never have felt that way sober, it was clear that he could not control what he did when he was drunk. I knew in that instant that my baby was in real danger of being destroyed. I was not willing to risk her life.
And then there was also David, my firstborn son, who was at risk. Not so much of losing his life, but certainly of being physically hurt. He was 10 years old at the time and He and I were very close. David was becoming more and more protective of me, and of course I knew that trend would intensify as he reached his adolescent years. The day would come when he would try to protect me, and that would unleash Jimmy’s anger upon him. I could not let that happen.
It was obvious there was no choice.
So… after that day things had to change. I spoke to a rehab facility and learned how to do an intervention. Several of our friends joined me in doing the intervention. It was successful and Jimmy agreed to go to rehab. Finally, reason to rejoice! That particular program was 30 days. His 30 days were up right after Labor Day of 1987. Now I thought things would be as they always should have been! And they were pretty good – for a while.
On December 1, I went to my OB doctor for a routine visit. He told me that I was so far dilated and effaced that when I went into labor I would never make it back to the hospital. I knew I didn’t want to give birth on the road, so it was decided that I would go ahead and be admitted. I called Jimmy to tell him what was happening. He came to the hospital, and when he walked into the room, I realized that he had been drinking. He said he “needed” it to make it through the birth. Hmmm., I thought I was the one giving birth. ?????
At any rate, now I knew that I had exhausted all options and there was nothing else I could do to change my situation. It was in the next few weeks that I began having panic attacks. I felt totally alone, and totally unsure of what my future held. A couple of months later, Jimmy moved out and I began to plan my life without him.
Thankfully, I was very blessed to have a dad who was ready and willing to take care of me and the kids. But, there was the issue of how to handle Jimmy. He had consistently told me that if I left, he would kill me. It was the “if I can’t have you, no one can” line. So for my safety, Daddy got me an apartment and I hid for about six months until we felt like it was safe for me to move on with life.
No matter the circumstances, He always holds our hand!
Those years were without question some of the most difficult of my life. It was during this time that I fell in love with Psalm 37. There are so many promises in that chapter that I decided to just memorize the whole chapter. It carried me through a myriad of dark days. I would meditate on God’s promises to take care of me as long as I was obedient to Him. And I am happy to say that He always came through!
Here are just a few of those promises (from the New Living Translation):
Vs. 5: Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.
Vs. 9: For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.
Vs. 11: The lowly will possess the land and will live in peace and prosperity.
Vs. 23-24: The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Vs. 25: Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread.
Vs. 39-40: The Lord rescues the godly; he is their fortress in times of trouble. The Lord helps them, rescuing them from the wicked. He saves them, and they find shelter in him.
God’s faithfulness has been evident in every season of my life. Sometimes my path was dark and scary, but God was always there holding my hand. No, He didn’t always do what I wanted, or give me what I asked for. But in looking back, I can see that His way was always best. As you continue down “The Blessing Road”, know that He will always hold your hand and take care of you no matter the circumstances of your life, as long as you are faithful to Him. See you out there! 🙂
GUARD RAIL: Know that God is always holding your hand!
The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)